As a young girl, my first image of a man was my father. He would awaken me on weekends by tickling my face by drawing on it with his finger. As I stirred awake he would add sound affects like rushing down the ski slope of my nose and flying high until crashing onto my chin. He was patient and persistent awaiting the giggle that would always follow. As I grew up I recall getting grumpier and wishing he would just leave me alone when I wanted to sleep in. That is until I realized he was no longer seeking me. I felt the pang of loss and the prick of independence from the man I loved the most.
Reading the first sentence probably brought the truth about your father figure into your mind with either love and adoration or pain and disappointment. Look at what you see and examine how you feel with your father’s image in your mind. How easily we can scan the years of memories that flash before us recalling the good, the bad, and the ugly of those men.
Fortunately for me it was as wonderful then as it is now when I speak with my Dad. But how does what we saw or had in our fathers get projected onto our significant others? Do we expect the man we marry to be as wonderful or sweet to us as our own Fathers? I know I did.
Do we seek the male identity and bash it because its so vastly different in its chemistry and creation than our female selves? If you’ve ever posed that question to your friends my guess is we have shared in the oddities at our husbands’ expense far too often. We acknowledge no boundaries to our bashing from their fashion sense to their usefulness with tools or their handiwork in the bedroom. I know because I’ve done it more than I care to admit. This cycle drove me further from loving him entirely and no longer wanting to be his helper. It became an attitude that lingered everywhere else in our relationship.
Through my studies of scripture and books I’ve read, my conclusion is men are way more simple than women. They are much stronger than women on the outside, but are much more vulnerable on the inside. They grow up trying to roll with the punches and silence their feelings while women are allowed to develop those inner emotions ans social skills. Men are told not to stand down but to stay firm or they will be labeled as weaklings’. Showing emotions are a sign of weakness that must be avoided. That works for them as they grow into adolescence but is a disaster after puberty when they finally want to speak to girls but have no skills. They bumble through until there is a woman who admires them, and then they flourish.
The only power women have over men is discovering what that man wants most, so she can give it to him sometimes for a price. I've discovered what my husband wants most is respect. Rarely can we do damage to a man on the outside, he has his defenses up. But degrade him and berate him in front of others and his insides are internally bleeding. With no skills to tell us how we’ve made him feel, there is outward disdain and lowered respect that will carry on until we somehow manage to regain his trust.
But the men in the sitcoms just grin and bear it. They just let it roll off their backs like to water on a ducks back! We must be careful of our knowledge of our men. When the only person they let into thier vulnerabilities turns on them they are done for. They perceive the knife in your hand stabbing their heart is the one that they’ve handed over to you.
Learning that, I experienced a flash of times when I wounded my husband deeply. “You just don’t make enough money.” “You aren’t enough for me, I need my friends.” “What is the matter with you? Can’t you fix it sooner than that?” It was no wonder when those Saturdays we’d wake up and just snuggle were replaced with agenda’s and errands. Once again I recall wishing he would just leave me alone when I wanted to sleep in. That is until I realized he was no longer seeking me. I felt the pang of loss and the prick of independence from the man I loved the most.
Learning that, I experienced a flash of times when I wounded my husband deeply. “You just don’t make enough money.” “You aren’t enough for me, I need my friends.” “What is the matter with you? Can’t you fix it sooner than that?” It was no wonder when those Saturdays we’d wake up and just snuggle were replaced with agenda’s and errands. Once again I recall wishing he would just leave me alone when I wanted to sleep in. That is until I realized he was no longer seeking me. I felt the pang of loss and the prick of independence from the man I loved the most.
Now, since I've grown up to the ripe age of 40, I can see how deeply he needs me. The funny thing is that I discovered how deeply I need him as well. This independent woman who still loves to have quite time, and sleep in or spend nights out dancing with my girlfriends... wants to be at his side to be his helper and friend. I let him into my darkest parts of my life and he still loves me. How much better can that be than with our Heavenly Father who loves more still? Well it is my slice of Heaven on earth at its best. When times are their worst (no time like the present) it is a deep satisfaction that we are in it together no matter what!
How do you see your spouse? Is it perception or reality? Do you seek to satisfy your expectations or are you able to love them completely? The book "Fireproof" helps us to understand that the things we dislike most about our spouses is usually the natural opposite of the things we love most about them. How amazing is that to help you overlook those few things to receive the benefits of all the rest.
